Thursday training

Its only 2 days to next training and I still not wright anything about last one.
I guess because its been really emotional and made me upset.

Start was good - I been intime. A little disappointing that my friends - another adults skater not been on ice. Its always enjoyable to see other adults and have nice conversation about ice skating and life :)
So on ice I did warm-up - some cross-overs and other simple steps. And then with coach start work on steps at 8 shape.
During the process we find out that after almost 5 years skating before brake I could did some steps (even hard) but I don't have BASE (I never work with 8 shape and never done some steps) - I guess because it was training in groups and never enough ice and space for do anything like this. But for my new coach its sounds ridiculous.
- How you can do jumps or spins without base, without steps?
She was so emotional so its made me feel really bad. Of course I understand and agree with what she said, but I could do some steps and jumps and spins before (maybe not perfect, but good enough, even for be with medals in bronze category). But now I feel that I cant do anything proper.
I just cant straight put together steps what new for me (I not mean totally new step, I mean new way put them together - combination).
And after pregnancies its looks like I really hard understand what exactly I need to do on ice, just cant get it when coach saying, not quit get it when coach showing, maybe a little closer to it when try myself work out with my body (then coach saying and show again, I tryid, and again and again and again).
I guess my coach often thinking that I just stupid and not good in skating. But I just need time for get new order of steps and then if I understand I perfectly doing it, just coach not seen it :(
So what new and hard for me I did at training?
don't remember start, but then I work with 8 in 3 stage (3 circles):
1. waltz step in both direction
2. waltz step, 3 turn outside, crossover 3double back-turn inside
3.waltz step, 3 turn outside, crossover, loop step, crossover, 3double back-turn inside
actually I think I don't remember right order, how continue after this - all steps need go after each other.
Oh, its so annoying - what with my memory!!!

And another step:
crossover, Jackson step (another name - Mohawk or 4step), cross leg, run on toes around, cross, step to another leg and repeat the same.
Cant even describe how long I try understand this step. I just cant get that leg need put on Jackson outside (back to circle).
My coach then asked me what exactly I don't understand, and then we work only with Jackson step on the circle. and afterwards I did this step, and practice myself after training.
But I been really upset with all training that I cant get all steps and coach words, and its made for me training not enjoyable at all. And I realised that when I feel not good its really hard did any element. All happening with bad quality and not happy feelings.
So I was skating just another 10-15 min and then leave the ice.

Half day I was thinking is it really worth it. For what I doing it with all stressful environment around (drop kids, drive through traffic, pay big money for training from family budget etc)
Its really hard realised that something what you really want still far away, and your abilities not quit the same like your wishes. I live in past where I was good enough skater with good skating, some jumps and spins, and training few times per week. But now I busy mum with 3 kids, I don't have much time for skating, don't have much money, and don't have good body shape (not fit after 2 my pregnancies).
But if I want same good result, took part at competitions I need more skating, be in good body shape (off-ice exercise), and have more money for hobby.
So decided gave to me 2 more month with slowly step by step trainings, and see what results gonna be.
Then like plan move baby in childcare for 2 days (morning sessions) - at this moment she with my kind friend what pregnant and expecting baby in May (so I really cant ask her about second time per week look after baby, and soon she anyway cant help ne with it.) and baby will be nearly 9-10 month.
Next step - have membership in gym.

And another main step - just enjoy skating. Without it impossible any progress. WHy I need training doing so stressful for me. Better just relax, be ok with what I have at this moment and look forward changes, even if they slowly.
And one more point - looking for part-time job (at weekend). What looks at this moment like complicated task (without NZ education and work experience, references).
But I not lost my hope :)

P.S.

About Jackson step:
will try explain how to do it
1.step outside edge forward left leg, 2.Mohawk with right foot (outside edge back).
3.move left leg across right (skating backwards), 4.step forward right foot
and continue
because of 4 stages some coaches call this step - 4step.
Good luck everybody!

sorry for my not always positive thinking. But life often move us up and down. Only at our hands keep positive and have hope. And sometimes its hard to do...